Engaging Women in Meaningful Conversations Makes Community
My third meaningful conversation is the second part of the conversation I had with the two friends at the coffeehouse. This woman had been stirred up by circumstances in her life that have offered her the opportunity to understand and reflect on what’s important. Her clarity was remarkable and had a profound impact on me.
What are you most proud of?
“The way I handled my husband’s death when he was sick. He passed away from prostate cancer but it took us two years from the start to the gradual decline and I saw things myself I never thought I would. You know, you never know how strong you’re going to be through those situations and looking back that’s probably the thing I was most proud of, the way I handled that…that was 2 years ago.”
What makes you happy?
“I have to relate mine to my career only because I’m not with anyone right now and I don’t have kids. But I do a lot of public speaking and training, so for me I just love when my folks get it – that just really makes me happy. Like I know I’m doing the right thing.”
I wish I had…
“I’d have to say, I wish I had a partner, who is as great as my husband was. Someone I could be best friends with – it’s because we had such a good relationship that I want another good relationship. We used to golf together and all that and I’d love to find someone who likes the athletic things… We were together for eleven years.”
What makes you sad?
“I don’t get too sad, I’m pretty good at putting things into perspective. You know, yeah, I miss my husband big time, I wish I had him back but it doesn’t make me sad to think about him. It makes me happy to think about the good times we had together. I guess I’m more sad when other people around me aren’t happy, because I always feel like I want to help them and I feel helpless, I can’t help others when they’re sad. I want to fix it.”
What do you fear?
“In the beginning shortly after he died, I was afraid I wouldn’t live my life to the fullest, I was afraid I would be too sad or depressed. Now I think my fear is not being a Mom. I just turned 41 and I’d really like to meet someone. I’d make a great Step-Mom. I think I might be passed the stage of having one myself, although I have my husband’s sperm on ice… just before radiation, I got ‘em out of there just in case. But I don’t know if I’d want to do that all on my own – that’s a lot. So, yeah, I’m kind of fearful that I won’t have that opportunity be a Step-Mom or Mom. It would be nice and maybe I’d consider adopting but I’ve got to find the right man who is willing to do all that as well.”
What inspires you?
“My Mom – she’s awesome. We lost my Dad five months before my husband, so Mom and I went through it together and we were just solid. She was right there. The other things that inspires me is when people take on a challenge. I see it a lot because I also teach public speaking and it inspires me to see people get up there even though they are scared to death. And I love that. That person is scared for their life and when that person faces that challenge head on, I find that inspiring because it’s not easy to do.”
Who is your hero?
“I would say my husband and my Mom too. They way they both dealt with it. One thing with my husband was that he never once questioned why. And I did. I had some low moments where I said why – why is this happening to us, why is this happening to him, he’s so young. He never said why. He would say it’s all part of the plan, part of the master plan, there’s not much we can do to change it. So I’ve learned to live life to the fullest.”
What do you long for?
“Definitely for me, that long-term relationship, that long-term commitment with someone who says I’m with you to the bitter end. Someone who’ll be my best friend as well as my lover.”
My best advice is…
“Every day matters. Every moment counts. I travel a lot for my job, always on different planes, meeting different people and I see people together and I can tell they’re not touchy-feely and really together. I look at them and I think God, they have no idea. So when I have the opportunity I say “come on over and give her a big hug, giver her a big kiss, you tell her you appreciate her, because you never know”. I don’t preach it but if given the opportunity and someone starts talking about their relationship, I’ll kind of slide it in because it does matter.”
What question should I ask you now?
I realize now in playing back this conversation, this woman didn’t answer this question. So I’ll pose my own: How do you come through such a tragedy and share such strength, wisdom and beauty?
Challenges and crises have a way of opening us up, rather than shutting us down. We have a choice and that’s often what we choose. As human beings we are incredibly resilient and I am grateful for the reminder embodied in this woman I had the pleasure of meeting. I am also grateful for the reminder from her that “every day matters and every moment counts”. Absolutely. Today I celebrate 13 years of marriage with my husband Dave. I’ll hold onto that hug with him a little longer after having this conversation and remember to be grateful for every day and every moment.
This conversation is with a woman I’ve been acquainted with for several years and yet there was so much I didn’t know about her because I never asked. She immigrated to Canada 25 years ago from Portugal and raised her family here. She cleans homes and offices for a living and was eager to share some insights that were meaningful to her.
